Monday, January 8

When sleep does not come ... post?


The lettered framed pic is done by my daughter at my request a few years ago
 and the paintingon the wall behind it I bought from Faye Hall
at her home gallery show (think it was 2012)and is part of three paintings.  
This one is called HOPE
(I believe as the other two (not shown) are Joy and Peace) 


The night I wanted to sleep, sleep has not come.  I tried.  I honestly did.  I went to bed early, thinking that after I listened to my app Lectio 365, the evening portion, I would nod off into sleep land.  And then I listened to Lectio 365 again.  Tossed.  Turned.  Seemed that the sound of the tv at the other end of our suite was more than my brain could handle, even though it was not that loud.  More tossing, more turning. And then well, right about 11:45 ... the snoring began.  Seems he had no trouble waking up from a slumber in the lazy boy chair (always happens normally to both of us, perhaps I should have stayed in the tv area) and within 5 minutes of falling asleep, the snoring was profound!  I tried to stay in bed, I honestly did.   But finally I threw back the covers, grabbed my glasses and came upstairs.  WIDE AWAKE.

Outside it is pitch black.  Perhaps the stars are shining, but it is pretty hard to tell from where I am sitting.  Inside I have the one set of lights on, but otherwise the house is dark, and still.  Upstairs I have a couple retreating tonight.  I actually thought I would get to bed early since I have to be in the kitchen at 5:30, but it appears that was wishful thinking on my part.  Just too much happening in my head.

I decided to pour myself a tiny glass of red wine - perhaps that will help me to fall asleep.  I would take the wonderful "sleep juice" that I have in my fridge but being that I have to be up in just over 4 hours, I know that would do me in for at least 8 hours, so I won't take the 1/4 tsp of wonder juice!! (seriously the best thing ever invented for helping one sleep, but don't take it if you only need 5 hours!)  I am aware (yes, thank you) that screen time does not help settle the brain but does the opposite, but seriously, at this point I think I will be okay after I write this post.  

The tinnitus in my ears is loud ... always louder when it is so quiet, but it is pretty loud 24/7 for the past 14 and a half years.  I may see if I can get a white noise machine.  Supposedly that can help.  Sometimes the ringing is exhausting.  I have sympathy for anyone dealing with the same.  Just not fun.

But tonight, it is just other things adding.  Anxiety has been present these last days.  I once heard that "anxiety is unmet expectations" and I have been mulling that one over lately.  Ya, I guess you could say we have had some unmet expectations in our lives lately.  I was never one to experience anxiety until after we lost our grandson in 2008.  Even then I didn't experience it until a half year later when I encountered some hard things in my workplace.  And then it seemed that the anxiety laid dormant until a few years ago, and to be honest, not sure what brought it back up again.  But there it was.  The feeling is perhaps different with each person.  But you know when you know.  Let's just leave it at that.  

I talked with my doctor, and I also talked with a psychologist who was amazing.  I have been able to navigate through my times of anxiety although sometimes it is harder to get through the attack.  Years ago the doctor prescribed some tiny blue pills that she said to use if/when needed for anxiety.  It literally gave "take a pill" a new meaning!  Seriously.  Out of that prescription for 30, lets just say, I still have quite a few, but somehow it is good to know they are there in an emergency (if I can find where I left them!). Joking.  NOT JOKING. 

These little pills have been helpful when I have felt a panic attack coming on.  OR for instance, I took one when I had to have an MRI.  Or sometimes if I know I have to have impressions at the dentist office.  Yes, makes no sense at times what it is that brings it on, other times I have a hunch.

Anxiety is no fun.  It makes no sense.  It makes alot of sense.  (are you tracking with me). About two months ago I had such a big attack.  It was quite the test as it felt big and oh man, there were tears.  But I could not find the little blue pills (I take them with me like a security blanket when I travel, just. in . case and it seems I did not put them back). So in the midst of this panic attack, I realized I needed to navigate through it without them. And I did.  I began to do breath prayers.  And invited God into this panic.  I know, I should do that first of all, but TBT it was not my first thought!  I wept.  I breathed deep.  I prayed through short breath prayers.  And God answered.    At one point Alvin asked me what was wrong, to which I replied, 'I DON'T KNOW!" but when I was able to think better, I realized what it was all about.  That weekend three things happened which I walked in and through, and then when I got home, and quiet - BAM there it was.  And there I was - messy. anxious. broken and man, it felt so out of my control.  BUT GOD was there.  I knew it, and with His help, we walked it. However, the next morning it felt like this weird panic attack hangover.  Is that real?  I texted a bit with one of our best friends who said, yes, unfortunately that is real.  Hmmm....

UGH.  Anxiety.  Yep, it is real.  I see it all over the place.  I sit with people, and listen to their stories.  I pray.  It is like the plague of this time.  Invisible but so prevalent.  And in this all, we can call on God.  Today I talked with someone walking through anxiety and I realize it is no respecter of age, gender, nationality, or financial class.  We talked about how it is so hard at times WITH GOD and we agreed we did not know how people walked through anxiety without God.  (O LORD GOD, thank you so much for walking this hard road with me).

I was reminded again as I talked with a friend, that Jesus did warn his disciples by telling them that in this world they would have trouble.  No, he didn't say, out of you 12, one or two would have trouble.  he did not say, you might have trouble.  NO he said - you will have trouble!  Here is the verse from The Message:  John 16:31-33

Jesus answered them, “Do you finally believe? In fact, you’re about to make a run for it—saving your own skins and abandoning me. But I’m not abandoned. The Father is with me. I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”

I take comfort in that, yes even in the midst of any and all anxiety - that God is with me.  Sometimes I will be honest, I am like Peter who took his eyes off of the LORD as he walked on the water towards Jesus.  Guess I am not unlike others who likely do the same thing at times.  So thankful that God knows that!!

ANYHOW ... it is now 1:35 and now I have to be up in 4 hours, making pancakes lol but I have a couple more thoughts to write down here: I have been wrestling with many anxious thoughts over the past couple weeks up to and including today.  I think the enemy likes nothing more than to see someone struggling with anxiety, but as Beth Moore said once - "tell the Devil to get back to hell where he belongs!"  My anxiety comes from a place of unknown and when the "unknown" touches someone I love, then it gets tough.  My anxiety comes from a place of seeing sadness in they eyes of some that I love.  My anxiety comes from broken hopes and unknown future.  My anxiety comes when I hear of things that make no sense, but it is the reality.  God? WHY.  (this came today when I heard of another silent birth and I know the devastating sorrow that brings).  Anxiety.  No respecter of anything.  It just hits full on, with a vengeance.  

But this is what I know:  we live in a broken messed up world.  With God, it is hard, and messy and I would never want to walk it without him!  But some people do.  (I don't know how). I know that anxiety is rampant, but God knows that too and He is with us, even in the messy.  Like a parent that sits by their child as they are hanging over the toilet bowl being sick ... I know my LORD is with me, holding me up.  It doesn't mean that it is easy.  It sure isn't   But it means that HE is holding, carrying, and perhaps at times weeping along with me.  That brings some comfort in the midst of the ugly.  At least for me.

Years ago, I asked my daughter Ashley to letter something for me. (the picture at the top of the page) It is based on this story from Daniel 3: 16-18 - where Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were going to be thrown in a fiery furnace because they were refusing to bow down to the king's image (because they believed in the living God!)  They told the King Nebuchadnessar that they were not worried about what would happen because they knew their God was able to deliver them!  And then they said "But, even if he doesn't ..."

I love this part of the verse.  (I encourage you to go to the verses for yourself and read the whole story.  God DID deliver them and they didn't even have a singe mark on them when they came out of the fiery furnace!!).   I love that they said, BUT even if he doesn't    This is what I believe   In all that I walk through, and in all that we HAVE walked through ... God is God.  He is Sovereign even in the times I am wrestling.  He is sovereign even in the times I am ranting about WHY GOD.  He is sovereign in the times of anxiety.    I know that these days have been anxious at times.  But I know that even if he doesn't deliver me (immediately, or ever, based on how I think he should ) that He is still God!!

Well, it is now two hours later.  My retreater came down for some water about half hour ago and was surprised to see me hunkered down in the corner, awake.  I really think that now I have put some thoughts to paper ... I can perhaps lay back down beside Alvin (who hopefully has snored through the snoring cycle in his sleeping pattern lol.  

For what it is worth, those are my thoughts. 

Night!  (or is it Morning?)

j



Tuesday, October 24

Same God

                                     





I began this post back while sitting at the cabin the last weekend we were out there, and then forgot about it, so today, I am including the part I began writing and ending it off with today’s thoughts on the same topic!  Here it is - I hope it will be good for your soul to read this today (if you care to read it)


I am sitting here listening to my daughter sing the song “Same God” and the lyrics are hitting deep to my heart.  They are a reminder for me, because only God himself knows how I need the reminders - that the same God - of Jacob, Moses, Mary, and David … is the same God for me Joy, and for my family.


If I were to say that life has changed for us, that would be an understatement.  Who knew January 1st of this year, what the year would hold.  We certainly did not - but God did.  And through these last few months, and this year, I have seen that my God - He never changes!  Which is why this song speaks so much to my soul.


This morning I am reminded that His love has endured through generations  upon generations - and will continue to endure into the generations that I may not see. 


Life may get hard at times, but I know the One who holds me securely in His hand.  

Storms may come but I know the One who calms the storms, and who tells me to look at Him, and extends the hand to me when I feel like I am going under the water.

I may encounter my own giants and they may not look like Goliath looked to David, but I know the ROCK of my life, who will take down any giant I may face.


Jesus said to his disciples: “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33 NLT


He didn’t say you might, or maybe, or perhaps.  No, Jesus said you WILL have MANY trials and sorrows …


Not sure about you, but we have had our share.  It is likely that you have too but IF you haven’t yet, you will. How can I say that?  Just repeating what Jesus said.  But the beautiful thing about it is that Jesus also told them and us all - TAKE HEART for I have overcome the world!!


As I recall the song - I will call upon the God of Jacob because his love is unfailing and never ending - and the God of Moses because I have read in Scripture what God did leading Moses in the call of his lifetime as he led the people out of slavery to the promised land.  I will call upon the God of Mary, and the God of David - because he is the same God that is with me today.  


I have seen through these last few months that my God IS FAITHFUL.  He keeps his promises to me to never leave me.  He did miracles for Moses and He is still doing them today.  He calls the lowly and makes us equipped for what He has in store for us.  I have seen that life can be real hard, but we can take heart because He is with us.  


He is the same God.  He still hears, answers and moves in our lives.

He is our Rock of Ages, our provider and healer.

 

I am calling on you LORD GOD - faithful and true - to those before me who acknowledge you as LORD.  You are faithful and true to us, our kids and grandchildren who have all given their hearts to you Jesus.  I am thankful - knowing you’ve got this all!!


I am so thankful.

Take a listen - see if you love this song too!  Perhaps one day you can ask Ashley to sing it for you too!


With love,

J

 


I'm calling on the God of Jacob

Whose love endures through generations

I know that You will keep Your covenant

I'm calling on the God of Moses

The one who opened up the ocean

I need You now to do the same thing for me

For me, for me


**O God, my God, I need You

O God, my God, I need You now

How I need You now

O Rock, O Rock of ages

I'm standing on Your faithfulness

On Your faithfulness


I'm calling on the God of Mary

Whose favor rests upon the lowly

I know with You all things are possible

I'm calling on the God of David

Who made a shepherd boy courageous

I may not face Goliath

But I've got my own giants


**


It's your faithfulness I'm standing on

Never changes, never changes

You heard Your children then

You hear Your children now

You are the same God

You are the same God

You answered prayers back then

And You will answer now

You are the same God

You are the same God

You were providing then

You are providing now

You are the same God (You are the same)

You are the same God

You moved in power then

God, move in power now

You are the same God

You are the same God

You were a healer then

You are a healer now

You are the same God

You are the same God

You were a savior then

You are a savior now

You are the same God

You are the same God


**

You're faithful God

Jesus, You're the same

Yesterday, today, and forever

You're the same God (yes, You are)

You're the same God

You freed the captives then

You're freeing hearts right now

You are the same God

You are the same God

You touched the lepers then

I feel Your touch right now

You are the same God

You are the same God

Never changing

Oh, forever

We feel You now

You're the same God

You're the same God, yeah

How we need You now, yeah

I'm calling on the Holy Spirit

Almighty River, come and fill me again

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Patrick Barrett / Christopher Joel Brown / Steven Furtick / Brandon Lake


Wednesday, September 27

Vows to My Own Dear Heart - "given" to my daughter on the 26th of Sept.

 



This picture was a screen shot - which has the extra's in and I can't take out lol 
But we were wearing matching dresses <3


The story behind this poem is that as part of my soul care course, I had to (two years ago) write “vows to my own dear heart” as  Cathy Hardy encouraged us to write what we felt, and what we saw as our hearts carried so much and what would we say to our own dear hearts.


I wanted to rewrite a new one, a new “Vow to My Own Dear Heart”.  So I did, on September 3rd as I was at the lake.  


On Monday,  God made it clear I needed to write it out and give it to my daughter yesterday, September 26th.  So I did.   


I told her this:  

“As you read it, it is as if you are speaking to your heart - to the core of your being as you see yourself and how God is with you.  But I also feel like it is like my seeing you - seeing you as my strong tower of strength daughter - how I described you on Sunday as God gave me that picture of you as I saw you across the room.”    (this was during worship last Sunday, and as I looked at my daughter, I saw her I believe, through the eyes of God.  She looked like a strong tower, safe, grounded, secure, on the top of rocks.  The ocean was beating the rocks with one crashing wave after another.  And she, the tower, stood.  This was for me, her mom, a beautiful image as I looked at her in worship.  A momma’s heart is always for her kids, but it seemed that it was a reminder that Jesus heart is always for his kids too!!  


So here it is - the poem that I wrote for me, for my heart originally, but was told to send to her yesterday, to be spoken to Ashley's own dear heart,  from her Mom who watches, sees, encourages, loves and prays for her, with an extra dose yesterday, Sept. 26th.  


Vow to My own dear Heart


Hey there beautiful - beloved one, daughter of the King

I see you

Your heartbeat is strong

It’s rhythm is steady

You’ve weathered a storm 

and you have come out slightly tattered 

and torn but whole

You are courageous dear one

You’ve encountered the grief sprung upon you

and the waves of sadness 

and anger

and  just plain shock!

As you were blown into bits 

yet still pumping

Trying to keep it together

trying to feel more than just numb

Seeing chards around you

but determined you would not die

But you would come together

with the same heart beat, but stronger

more aware

and even more deliberate and intentional


To take care of yourself

amidst the broken pieces

shrapnel

and stench of betrayal


You.  Are.  Strong.

Your Maker has brought your pieces back together

to make you whole

He’s given you increased determination

stamina

wisdom 

and love


Take courage dear heart!

You are so loved!

You are so needed!

I will cherish you 

and protect you

Because I need you.








Tuesday, August 22

To my "Baby Brother" Tim ~ on a milestone birthday


This is now 2 days after my baby brother's birthday - and it was my full intent to write this post in time for his birthday - however with coming home from camp, it did not happen.  NOT TO SAY I didn't send a singing message and birthday wishes, because I did Sunday, August 20th - the day Tim turned 60!

How can it be that there is so much in my heart, and yet I have trouble putting it down on paper.  And why is it that as I type, there are tears rolling down my face?  Guess I love this guy - the guy who took my place as the baby in the family.   Not that he had a choice!!  But we sure did as a family, and I thank God that HE brought Tim to us.

I won't forget when I met him.  In my memory, he was rosy cheeked, bowlegged and chubby.  Is that okay to say these days?  He was so darn cute - that everyone easily fell in love with him!  He came into our family - "chosen" by God for us, when he was 1 year old.  The story my mom told me was that Tim's bio mom and dad wanted to keep him, and his maternal grandmother helped for that first year, but time proved that trying to go to school and be a teen mom was not the best option for this sweet boy.  The story I was told was that they encouraged the teen parents to give Tim a chance at life.  And I have to say that I am so glad they did, because he became my baby brother.  I was 5 years older, and yes, he usurped me from my position as baby, but having a little baby in the house for real - was worth losing my role!! 

There are many memories I have, and have often talked about.  But the memories that I am holding the closest today, happened this summer when he came for a visit.  I have to say that when Tim and Jo, and Amanda and Dan come into the city (what used to be their home) ~ they usually stay with Alvin and I here, and we try to be a "home away from home" for them.   Hands down they are the easiest "retreaters" I have ever had, and try as I might to always serve a full breakfast, sometimes he flat out says "No, just coffee!!"  Or toast, or maybe a bowl of Capt'n Crunch which is another thing that takes me back to our childhood.  

It was so good to be together 

There was so lively Dutch Blitz card playing and maybe a little cheating!

Needless to say, we put the bench to the test and it was good as someone had to take the picture!!

The woman who captured my brother's heart, and ours as well.

They were great hosts and we enjoyed our time together in Kelowna
July, 2022

Last year, my two sisters and I conspired with Jody - it was her idea - to surprise Tim for a sister visit with him.  You know, it does something pretty amazing to my heart, when I hear him tell me how much he loves his sisters!  He is not just a brother saying that - I know he really means it.  So last year, unbeknownst to him, when he was picking me up for a short visit on my way to Abbotsford (he thought) we surprised him with the three of us!  It was priceless.  We stayed long enough to be treated to some amazing Thomas Hospitality by the Kelowna fam.  We stayed long enough to remember why we love them so much, and well, long enough to maybe do some sister spoiling.

This past June, I knew he was coming into town once again, for a sister visit.  Yes, he visits others for sure, but we feel pretty special to know he wants to spend time with each of us sisters.   This year when Tim came, I was in a pretty tender emotional spot as our family was going through some hard things that were still being kept pretty close, but I was given permission to tell my brother that my daughter's marriage had ended.  I sat at the table with him and shared my broken heart.  And my brother listened.  And when he talked, I knew it was with love, a broken heart with us, and concern.  I could hear it in his voice and see it in the way he looked at me.  

You know if there is one way that I see my mum in my brother - it is in the way he keeps confidence and he does NOT gossip.  I have seen this time and time again, and he always reminds me of Mum.  It is actually quite a beautiful thing in this day and age when everyone seems to be in it for themselves, and kindness does not always trump things ... but I see integrity and kindness in my brother, who like I said, is like Mum.  If she was alive today, I know Mum would be so so so proud of Tim.  (we all knew that he was her favourite!)

Tim told me he wanted to spend some time with just me, and so he and I drove out to the cemetery.  I didn't ask him why he chose to go there, and why he chose to go there as our time together, but it was very special.  I picked out flowers, 18 white roses, and he insisted on paying for them... Mum loved roses in life.  When she lost her eyesight, she told my mother in law once that she could still smell them and remember their beauty.  We drove out to the Balsam Bay cemetery, placed the flowers, walked around the cemetery looking at headstones (many of which are relatives) and then returned to the foot of Mum and Dad's grave.  We stood there quietly, with our arms around each other - brother and sister.  Baby brother and older sister.  Kids of an amazing couple of parents whom God chose to take "home" when Tim and I were far too young....  I was almost 37 and Tim was not yet 32.  And then Dad went "home" very unexpected the next year.

Losing our parents meant we needed to count on each other more - and perhaps we have done it better some years than others.  But I would venture to say that family is what we all hold dear and in high esteem. We are all different - but we are all the same in that we were loved and raised by two people who loved Jesus, loved each other, and loved us kids.  We were all taught the same values.  

So back to my baby brother ... the morning he left was tough.  Tim tries to keep things in check (emotions) lol but I think this sister perhaps pushed it as I cried when he gave me a hug.  You see, this visit was different in that I had him here, and time with him and conversation that we were able to have - open, honest, heartfelt - the two of us.  Alvin knows that for me, time with Tim is really a gift, and so Alvin provides that space for Tim and I to talk, just the two of us.  That morning, I did not want to say good-bye as I knew I had shared a piece of my heart, and my brother was there to hold it.

But he had to go ... and so we hugged one last time ... and I cried and waved good-bye feeling like a little kid who was saying good-bye to their parent.   He is not the first sibling to share my tears, but this time - the timing of his visit was good, and felt right, and I felt embraced and comforted by my baby brother, who all of a sudden felt like a BIG BROTHER.  

I waved good bye and watched till he left, and then came into the quietness of our house, and cried some more tears.  I felt like God gave me a gift once again - and I tucked that away and will ponder it in my heart over and over again.

A couple days later, when I wandered up into the room he had stayed in, I found a note and something left behind and I cried once again and then lovingly taped the note into my journal.

My baby brother "Timmy" as we all called him (and still do once in a while) has taken on the role of a big brother.  I realized you do not have to be older, to be a big brother.   

Don't get me wrong - this brother of mine sometimes made me mad.  Like the time I looked for my "star" jeans only to find that he was wearing them ... or other times when I felt like I had to try to cover up the trouble he had gotten into (only to realize that other people tattled on him, so I didn't have to keep any secrets long!). But the things that have blessed me, especially since we have become adults - far outweigh the crazy things of growing up.  Being adults, and being blessed with a relationship with a brother who I love, and who loves me - is the best gift of all.

And Sunday - he turned 60.  My baby brother has just entered closer to the silver years!  I have a feeling however, that nothing much will change for him - he will still embrace his family, his extended family with great love - he will still walk as a man of integrity - he will still make his wife crazy at times and his daughter laugh at some crazy antics - and he will get older and better with age - like a fine wine!

As the fires in Kelowna have been raging over this past week, I have thought of and prayed often for Tim and Jo, Amanda and Dan, and have realized that I wish they were just on the other side of the river again, close by you know.  I miss them - we all miss them.  But I guess that is what makes the visits that much more precious.

Next time I see him, Lord willing this Christmas when they are hoping to come, I will get to hug this 60 year old brother.  I may not cry on his shoulder, but I do always know he carries a piece of this sister's heart, and I carry his.  That is what family is for right?

So on this birthday big baby brother - Timothy Gerald - it is my prayer that you will have an amazing year ahead - that you will feel celebrated and loved and special.  It is my prayer that you will experience the goodness of God in ways that surprise you, and that you will always remember and recall His faithfulness to us as a family, and to you and yours.  It is my prayer that you will always walk in integrity, and that you will experience strength of body, soul, mind and spirit as you age.  And it is my prayer that you will always know the love of this sister - because I sure do love you! 

Happy birthday dear brother - I love you so much!!

with love,   

joy


PS as I was thinking of my brother yesterday the lines from HE AIN'T HEAVY HE'S MY BROTHER ran over and over in my mind.  Here they are so it can run through yours as well ...

 The road is long

With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where, who knows where
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
… So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
… For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
… If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another
… It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share?
… And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
… He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Bob Russell / Bobby Scott